a man is a terrible thing to waste

growing up is quite the challenge. i mean, you hardly notice yourself getting taller, voice getting deeper or features coarsening. sure, you see the pimples, yeah, your notice the stretch marks; but it’s not ‘til you wake up one morning to the sound of hungry children and a sink of dirty dishes when you realize that somehow, somewhere, some-kind-of-way you’re stuck in the body of a man, with the responsibilities of a man, but the desires and dreams of a boy-child.

men have always faced this dilemma; and as many men are on the planet are the number of ways it’s dealt with. it just so happens that mine is through the aggravation and manifestation of my depression. but this only compounds my problems. the only reason i even realize that i am (and shbooulduld act like, for that matter) a man is because of my wife and children; but at the same te it is my responsibilities to them that trouble me. I respond to extreme emotional situations with a depressed mood, loss of energy, and general disengagement from life; this inevitably leads to me hurting my family, and causing them pain only adds to my list of grievances against myself.

so i find myself in the middle of a web of life, strung with the responsibilities of adulthood. and manhood, trellised with the regrets which litter my life, moistened with the tacky paste of my depression. as i look out on my kingdom i see a queen whose face is possessed with grief and concern, i see children whose aura radiate with joy and potential, and i see a realm whose resources lie rotting, abandoned by their lord who is too entangled to adequately rule.

but how is a man supposed to “govern” in this modern age? how can i be masculine enough to be in charge while being sensitive enough to write my wife love letters? how can i dream big enough to shoot for he stars while practical enough to toil in the trenches? how can i be resourceful enough to use my skills to their utmost while reserving time and energy for my children? how can i hold onto the wonderment of youth while grasping the concerns of a man?

i’ve no answers now, as i’m still in the midst of my web. what i know is this: a man is a terrible thing to waste. when a man is wasted his woman suffers. when a man is wasted his children’s potential withers before it gets a chance to blossom. when a man is wasted the kingdom that could’ve been decays into a slum that shames us all. i will not be wasted. though i fall on my face as i struggle to rip free, i will not be wasted. though i bruise and bleed with every failed attempt, i will not be wasted. i may not ever achieve greatness, but i’ll be damned if i allow myself to let down my queen. i will use my dreams as a youth and perspective as a man to create a vision for my world. i will use my talents as a boy and soils as a man to forge the weapons i need to conquer my domain. i will use the hopeful eyes of a child to focus on the goals of a man and acquire the title of honorable. a Kamarr is a teronle thing to waste. i will not be wasted.