my black book: 4/26/12
self control, discipline; as of late, i find myself focusing so much on these attributes, i wonder why. i know of a lot of things i should be doing, and every day more obstacles seem to stand up as old ones are miraculously moved. in this moment, at this time, laura is in my way in many ways. her tiredness and emotional lability are trying for me; i am continually hearing myself lecure her like i’m oh so perfect, always pointing what sheshouldbe doing or saying; but if she only knew the real me. i’m so pathetic; i’m so disappointing; but instead of improving myself, or applauding her growth, i lash out. epiphany! God just spoke to me now! discipline is good, self control commendable; but when the service becomes chore, it is of no use to God. when my desire for us to grow prevents me from showering her with love, it’d be better for us to stagnate than continue like this. i owe her an apology. God, i will continue to try and re-program my life around a routine of worship, service and growth; help me not to lose sight of the first mission, that of love, as i seek this growth.